The best response I think I've ever received after giving someone a gift is, "I wish you hadn't bothered."

I'd gotten a housemate in our "secret Santa" and - mistakenly, it seems - opted to get him a novelty door sign that flashed the words "sex in progress" in red lights. It never left the packaging, and he spent the rest of the day in a mood.

Giving gifts is not my forte, as my friends and family will no doubt confirm. My wife certainly can.

With it being our wedding anniversary, I decided to browse Taobao, the online marketplace, for ideas on what to get the missus. It's too early for anything made of gold (if I say it often enough it becomes true, right?), so I set out in search of the weird and wonderful.

As expected, I found much more of the former than the latter. So, here are the best options so far:

A jar of fart

Several vendors offer such a product on Taobao, with prices ranging from 1 to 20 yuan (14 US cents to $3), not including delivery. The jar is sent to your target's door, and some vendors allow you to insert an envelope containing a note, giving you the chance to say something that might mitigate the fact you've just assaulted them with a noxious gas.

Perhaps even stranger is that one trader, who goes by the username Little Mei's Dream, offers flavors including strawberry, goose liver and "braised hemorrhoids".

Going by the number of transactions and comments left by customers, these gassy gifts aren't popular. Surprising considering so many people were keen to send a trump* to the right house this year. (Or have I misheard that?)

A dead mosquito

Yep, that's right, and it's yours for just 1 yuan, although delivery is another 12 yuan. Why so expensive? Well, as vendor Mr Zhou explains, each one is wild and has been hunted and killed personally, by hand, which isn't easy. The specimens are good for academic research, decoration or collection, he adds.

For orders of more than three corpses, buyers are urged to get in touch three weeks ahead of the desired delivery date.

A portrait on a pebble

Ever wanted to have your face, or that of a loved one, crudely painted onto a small piece of rock? I know I have. The vendor in question, whose name is too long to include here, will make such a treasured keepsake for 52 yuan. I'm presuming the artist finds the pebble.

As you can see, I'm no good at gifts, so if you'd like to weigh in on which of these three options is least likely to see me kicked into the street on my anniversary, feel free to get in touch.

*For non-Britons, trump is British slang for breaking wind.

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