When Zhao Wen was born in Shanghai in 1988, her extended family was more than disappointed she was a girl.

Her father had a brother and sister, and his parents — in the era of the one-child policy — were hoping for a male grandchild to carry on the family name.

Two years later, the family was again angst-ridden when Zhao's uncle had a daughter.

In Chinese, there is a phrase, "cutting off the incense of a family", to describe such a situation, a bleak forecast of a family's destiny.

However, compromises can reverse fate. In 2023, Zhao, who chose not to give her full name for this story, gave birth to her second child, this time a baby boy.

The infant was given Zhao's family name ensuring it would continue on. The practice of a woman passing on her surname to a boy is a major challenge to Chinese tradition. Zhao said she reached an arrangement with her future husband on this decision before they tied the knot, adding they both love children.

"My own understanding of this matter is that for the generation of only children like me, there no longer exists a clear difference for their families," said Zhao.

"For a couple, it is no longer a relationship where the wife is attached to the husband. It's a combination of two independent, equal individuals. So it's perfectly fair for our offspring to carry on our respective surnames," said Zhao, a finance professional.

Changing attitudes

As a rising number of young women have a stronger awareness of gender equality, some no longer believe it should be taken for granted that children carry their father's surname, especially at a time when couples are allowed to have two children.

Last year, 3.64 million second children were born in China, after implementation of the second-child policy in 2016.

Shen Yang, an associate professor from Shanghai Jiao Tong University who specializes in the sociology of gender and family as well as public policy, said the number of families that have a second child with the mother's surname is on the rise. This is especially true in a number of big cities, such as Shanghai, and Zhejiang and Jiangsu provinces, where traditional concepts of marriage and a wife's status and duties are changing.

Situations such as a woman living with her husband's family, and children having the father's surname are part of a fading patriarchy, Shen believes. "The former is rarely seen in big cities like Shanghai anymore, and cases challenging the latter are happening one after another," she said.

Parents are now sparing no effort pouring their savings, time and energy into helping their child, irrespective of his or her gender. Their support ranges from purchasing an apartment to make married life easier for the child, to helping raise grandchildren when necessary.

This non-discriminatory attitude is totally different from the past. Back then, all family resources were used to help the son succeed in matrimony so a daughter-in-law ensured the family name continued.

"The rising awareness of gender equality among young women today, is one factor that is driving some couples to share the right of passing on their respective surnames to their children. … some women want to give something back to their parents when they see them enormously involved in helping with child-raising," said Shen, author of the New Era of Childbearing, published in October.

The book researched 41 Chinese families, including 33 with two children, and highlighted seven cases where the second child takes the mother's last name.

"A precondition to having a second child with the mother's last name is that the woman's family must dedicate a lot to the woman's nuclear family, both financially and in bringing up the grandchildren," Shen said.

Since 1980, the Marriage Law has allowed a child to take either the father's or the mother's surname. Research published in 2021 by Xu Qi, a professor at the School of Social and Behavioral Sciences, Nanjing University, showed that only 1.4 percent of those born between 1986 and 2005 took their mothers' surnames.

Independence, fairness

Zhao's first child, a girl, was born in 2015. In the following years, many of her friends and acquaintances had second children, some of whom took their mother's surname.

In 2018, one of Chen's close friends gave her second child her own surname "for the sake of fairness".

"I understood this as a type of social progress. As a woman pursuing independence and freedom, I thought it was therefore natural for me to have a second child that has my last name," said Zhao.

Her 36-year-old husband, surnamed Liu, said he did not think too much about his son not having his surname. "If there is something that I can give my wife, and it doesn't affect me much, I'm more than willing to give it to her," said Liu.

Interactions with his firstborn daughter have helped him view things from a female perspective, he added.

"As a female, my daughter will observe a woman's position and role in the family and in society through her mother, which will have an impact on her entire life. I definitely hope my daughter will lead a better life, in a better world," he said.

Shen, the professor, is also a mother of two children. She and her husband agreed to have a second to carry on her surname before she got pregnant.

"And the agreement must be kept the same, regardless of the baby's gender. That is real fairness," said Shen.

Her first child is a girl, 5, while she gave birth to another girl seven months ago.

Her husband Yang Fan, who teaches at a university in Shanghai, compared this fairness to academic collaboration. "It's like we both have significant contributions to research papers. I was the first author and she was the corresponding author last time, and we turned it around this time," he said.

Stand by your woman

Zhao believes giving her son her surname is the result of gender equality. But from Liu's perspective, it is more a result of his wife's dedication to the family.

Liu said his wife's career had prospered, and she had always exhibited a strong public persona. However, within the family, she has always been gentle and caring toward her husband and children.

One incident made Liu more resolute on his decision about their son's surname.

In 2018, Zhao was pregnant, but the fetus was malformed and the couple took the tough decision of terminating the pregnancy. Liu was in the hospital, and watched the baby gradually lose signs of life before signing the medical documents. "After that process, I felt women give too much to families," he said.

After their son was born in 2020, the families on both sides hoped that the boy would carry their surname, but Liu refused to waiver from his commitment.

He gave his father a straightforward reason. "I'm the child's father … please allow me to make my own decision," Liu told him.

Liu said his decision did not change his father's love for his grandson, even though they did not have the same surname.

The family of four lives with Zhao's parents, who share a lot of the child-raising duties. Liu's parents see the grandchildren once or twice a month, and cherish each chance to do so.

Despite being happy with his decision, Liu said he knows of no instances among his friends and acquaintances of a child taking the mother's family name. He said most men are unwilling to take the initiative in such matters.

Family pressure

In some cases, having a child that bears the mother's surname is not the will of the woman herself.

Chen Rujin, 38, is originally from Jiujiang city, Jiangxi province. After graduating from university, she married and settled down in Shanghai and gave birth to a son in 2010, and a daughter in 2014.

Her second child's birth was largely due to pressure from her own family.

Chen's father has five sisters, and is the only male sibling. Her grandmother had always wished for a male descendant. One of Chen's aunts fulfilled the grandmother's hopes and fell pregnant at an advanced age.

The family matriarch was pleased, and promised to financially support the child's upbringing. But the baby died three days after being born.

Chen said she was upset after learning the news. "I told my grandmother that I could do something for the family if she insisted on having a child surnamed Chen," she said.

Her second child, a girl, was given her surname, but Chen's father was disappointed about the newborn's gender.

Chen said her husband thought having a son and daughter was like a dream come true, and shouldn't lead to any unpleasantness. However, the husband added that if they had another son he'd be reluctant "to let go of the baby's last name", Chen said.

Although the girl does not have her father's last name, Chen said she has not observed any bias from her mother-in-law against the child.

"During my daughter's early childhood, my mother-in-law took care of her in the night and they shared a bed. I think women's bonding with a child arises from taking care of the child day after day, while men's may be more related to whether the child takes their surname," Chen said.

Zhao said her grandfather was delighted when he saw his great-grandson for the first time, especially after learning the boy was surnamed Zhao.

Shen, the professor, said in some cases, it is another form of oppression of women when they have another child to fulfill expectations about carrying on the family name. In these instances, the woman's will is overshadowed by the family's wishes, she said.

"In such cases, although these women have taken the initiative in their reproductive decisions, they are heavily influenced by traditional reproductive culture, population policy, and the patriarchy," Shen said.